Love, loss, and how my boys taught me about grace & forgiveness.

If you're here for a craft tutorial, a funny story or a DIY project, I'm afraid you'll have to come back later or peruse the archives for them.  I'm going the serious route today: love, life, divorce, death, and what I've learned about grace, forgiveness and strength of character.

My family has had a very long, very emotional 3 weeks.  I had a steady line up of wonderful guest bloggers as I navigated my storm of crap, but the worst is over.

 circa 1989 in Hollywood, CA  

My ex-husband Mike has been battling colon cancer for almost 4 years.  Three weeks ago the doctors told him that he only had a few days left to live, maybe a week or so at most, and that he needed to gather his family around him.  That meant I needed to get my two oldest sons (Devin and Conner) out to the hospital so they could be by their father's side.  We knew that moment was coming.  I was surprised it hadn't come sooner... but Mike was always stubborn and did things his own way.

Mike and I split up when I was pregnant with Conner.  As you might imagine, it was a very contentious and acrimonious process.  For about 5 years, we could barely be civil to each other.  When HH and I got married, he insisted that Mike and I get along.  He said it was non-negotiable and that it was the best thing for Devin and Conner.  You know what happened?  We actually repaired our relationship enough to be civil.  Then cordial.  Then we occasionally would even have moments where we caught a glimpse of the friends we once were.

While I never, ever spoke disparagingly of their dad to Devin and Conner, I harbored contempt and bitterness toward him in my heart...  And although I have been blissfully married to Handsome Hubby for almost 10 years, I had never really forgiven Mike for leaving while I was pregnant.

When Mike first got sick, I was worried about him, but I was mostly mad at him.  He had let it go until it was too late.  He ignored symptoms and family history.  In other words, he didn't act responsibly... he did the very things that used to make me crazy when we were married.  It might have been a very different outcome had he sought help at the first sign of trouble.

June 2003

Cancer is scary.  It's evil and insidious.  It might go away, but it steals your peace of mind.  They thought they got it all and that Mike was on the mend, but the cancer came back.

Devin and Conner spent every weekend with Mike, who had needed to move back in with his parents due to his condition.  As his condition deteriorated, it only fueled the boys' devotion to their dad.

June 2011

In and out of the hospital, we thought we'd lose Mike around Christmas-time.  Amazingly, he kept fighting and bounced back a little.  But by the end of February he was readmitted to the hospital and told he only had a few days left... which is when the boys packed overnight bags and I took them out to stay by Mike's side for what we thought would be just a few days.  That first afternoon and evening in the hospital I sat with them in their Dad's room.  He would frequently nod off and be disoriented when waking up.  He had tubes and IVs and was in constant pain.  His cancer seemed to be particularly cruel.

The boys were out of the room and I sat by Mike's bed as he slept.  I watched him sleep and thought about all of the water under the bridge... the range of emotions from love to hate and from laughing to shouting.

circa 1988

I laid my hand on his and said a silent prayer that he have peace in his heart, comfort in his soul and no more pain in his body.  I prayed to let go of any anger I was still feeling, because if you truly do reap what you sow, Mike had paid for it, and then some.  And even more, who was I to even be judging at this point?  This wasn't fair and it wasn't right.

Mike opened his eyes and he took my hand because he could see I was tearing up.  I told him I loved him. He said he loved me and he was sorry.  In that moment we made our peace.  We sat like that until the boys came back.

Since Mike left when I was pregnant with Conner, I don't have any photos of the 4 of us together.

circa 1998

Mike and I could put on happy faces for Devin's school events, but adding Conner into the mix just never happened.  We had never been a family of 4.  When they came back, the boys and I sat around the bed, laid our hands on Mike and we each took a turn saying a prayer.  A prayer of thanks, a prayer of protection... a prayer of love and gratefulness and healing.  Mike thanked God for us as a family.  We had a loving moment as a Family of Four.  It was the only time it had ever happened.  I am so glad for all of us that we had that moment, but am especially glad for Conner's sake, as he had never known anything but us as divorced people.

I cried the whole way home in the car.  I expected that I wouldn't see Mike again.  Every time the phone rang I anticipated that it would be the boys, calling to tell me that he had passed... but the only thing that was passing were the days.  I was worried about the amount of school they were missing, but there was no way I was going to tell them that they needed to leave the hospital.  As long as that's where they wanted to be, they had my support to stay there.  They spent the days at the hospital with him and alternated spending the nights in his room.

As the days passed, Mike became increasingly agitated, was often hallucinating and was seldom lucid.  Devin and Conner worked as a team, calmly caring for their dad and working with the medical staff.  They got up in the night with him when he would call for nurses or need more pain medication.  I knew they were amazing kids, but it wasn't until I drove back out to see them again that I saw them in action and understood the depth and breadth of the care they were giving him.

Taking care of Mike had become similar to taking care of a sick toddler.  The boys fed him ice chips, gently removed his hand when he tried to pull out his tubes, talked calmly to him when he was clearly delusional, (sometimes going along with it, sometimes reassuring him that it wasn't real and that he was OK) and they advocated for his care with the medical staff.  The thing that struck me the most was that they conducted all of this with all of the respect and dignity that Mike deserved as their father.  They were patient, they spoke calmly, repeated things over and over if necessary, but always remained loving and respectful as they did so.  There is so much indignity that Mike suffered because of this disease... the boys' respectful and loving care was truly a gift.

I watched them care for him and was amazed.  While they were on a break, I sat with Mike and fed him ice chips.  I moved his hand away from dressings and tubes when he was pulling on them.  I followed the boys' example and spoke calmly to him.  As I did so, it occurred to me that even though we had been divorced more than 15 years, I was sitting there and I was upholding my vows.  For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, and until death do us part.

March 1990

Why couldn't I have had this mental shift sooner?  I would have done things differently.  I would have actively worked at getting rid of my residual bitterness.   It wasn't like it was something that was front and center.  I didn't really ever even think about it... I mean, if the house is clean and organized, why worry that there is a mess in one corner of the garage, right...?  But there was a little mess in my heart that I just closed the door on and I didn't think I needed to open up and deal with.  This sad situation allowed me to do that.  I'd like to think that Mike was able to do it too.  Watching the boys in action helped to drive the point home.  They reminded me of where life's priorities need to be and that our time here on earth is finite.  No time or energy should be spent on negativity.

Mike was moved from the hospital back to hospice care in his parents' home.  He passed away March 20.  Devin and Conner were at his side, which is how all three of them wanted it.  The boys each held his hands.  Conner said Mike was taking rapid, shallow breaths, then took one long one and didn't take another.  Both boys began to cry, and they think it was like Mike could hear them and then struggled to stay, because he began the rapid breathing again.  They boys told him they loved him and that it was time for him to go.
And he did.

The funeral was yesterday.  Conner wrote and delivered the eulogy and Devin wrote a letter to his dad, which he read during the service.

They were amazing.  I am in awe of what strong, compassionate and downright phenomenal young men they have become.  They have even become closer as brothers through this experience.

There was a slide show running on a loop at the reception, watching it helped to replace the mental pictures of Mike at the end, with mental pictures of Mike in his prime.  It reinforced the idea that I need to ensure that Devin and Conner continue to develop and strengthen their relationships with Mike's side of the family... I owe that to both Mike and to the boys.

I don't understand God's timing... or His plan, but I know that it's perfect.  I was questioning the length of time the boys ended up being in the hospital, but I can see now that it helped them begin to grieve a bit early and helped them distinguish between the quantity and the quality our days..
It made it easier to let go.  For everyone.

For the past few weeks, each morning I have woken up with this song in my head.  Literally, I open my eyes and this song is running through my head.  It's become like a morning prayer.

In just one moment I was gone
I always thought that I was strong
This hole inside me is the deepest canyon

I'm shattered pieces all alone
And I can't make it on my own
I hear a melody come soft and slowly

Hallelujah, a whisper in the dark
Hallelujah, it's tearing me apart
Hallelujah, all broken hearts

We hear it in a quiet song
We feel it in a mother's arms
When we can't find the words, it's hallelujah

And when I close my eyes in death
When I breathe my final breath
The last word upon my tongue is hallelujah

When my soul has finally flown
The moment I am welcomed home
The first song that I will sing is hallelujah

Thanks for listening, thanks for your support and thank you for your patience.  I'm hoping to be back to normal and a regular blogging schedule in the next day or so.

Much love,

A crazy old lady... but in a very good way.

My mom is quite the adventurer.  Several years ago she and my dad to a cruise to Alaska and while there, she rode a zipline through the forest.  She loved it and she has been asking my dad to build her one in their back yard ever since.  (My dad has so far refused.)

Mom turned 73 in November, so for her birthday, we got her a ziplining excursion at a local nature center.  She and her grand-kids went this weekend.  It was just the thing to help take the boys' minds off of their dad for a little while.

Conner played photographer.  That's Gramma on the left and Devin on the right.

I. Do. Not. Do. Heights.  I took a lot of ribbing from the boys due to my refusal to go on the excursion.  When they got back, they told me I would have been fine... That you don't notice the height, you just notice the speed...  That it isn't all that high up anyway...

But Grant said: "Yeah, but there's cactus underneath you..."

Apparently, Grant loved it so much that he practically sprinted to get back in line to go again.  Conner took  some shaky video of Handsome Hubby and Grant...


I'm so glad that my mom enjoyed her birthday gift, and that they boys got a much needed distraction.
The funeral is tomorrow and Conner has decided he wants to give the eulogy.  While they are handling everything remarkably well, I cannot wait to have all of this behind them.

Silly shutters... more robin's egg blue.

I haven't felt too spring-y, but I'm slowly adding a bit of color around here.  I have frequently complained about how much I dislike my asymmetrical mantel, and I'm not really ready to tackle it, but I did want to at least do something.

I sprayed these smaller with Valspar's Aqua and leaned them up against my $5 bargain shutters.  They looked too bright and too contrast-y.  (Yes, that's a word.)

So I took them outside and flicked brown paint over them.  (Click here to see the toothbrush painting technique I use to do this.)

I liked the overall look, but I still thought it was a little too bright.  So you know what I did?  I took white spray paint and held the can about 2.5 feet above the shutters and gave them a light  "misting" of white.  It knocked down the brightness just enough.

It's still a work in progress.  I'm sure I'll get it finished just in time to take it down for summer.

Making Spring Button Flowers with Bev from Flamingo Toes.

Hi friends.  We have been overwhelmed by the love, support and encouraging words that you've sent our way.  Even though we knew it was coming, the loss of Devin & Conner's dad is still a difficult thing to process.  The boys are doing well and trying to get back into their normal routines.  

Today my friend Bev is here from Flamingo Toes.  I double puffy heart love Bev and she is beyond talented.  She has been kind enough to share a fabulous spring project ('cuz I still got nuthin'...)

Hello V Spot Readers!!

My name is Bev and I blog over at Flamingo Toes. I'm excited to be here today!
Vivienne is one of the most talented, genuine, funny people I know - I had such a blast working on the SoCal Social with her!

I like creating jewelry, sewing, and making things to dress up the house a bit. Right now I'm working on changing up my mantel for Spring - so today I'm giving you a little sneak peek of how it's coming together with a sweet and easy project!

I made up some tiny little button flowers to dress up my mantel! Aren't they sweet? It's a little hard to tell but these guys are only about 4" tall.

See? They are so cute and small - they make my green birdie look like he's related to Godzilla or something.
Why is tiny stuff so awesome? I don't know either - it just is.

These are super quick and easy to put together. You'll need:

tiny clay pots - 1 3/4" tall
stuffing and green moss
fabric, trim, burlap
buttons
hot glue
paint

Start by painting your clay pots. I painted the top rim with that awesome Martha Stewart pearl color. LOVE that color.
I'd use it on my fingernails if I could.
(Actually right not it is on my fingernails - but not in a cool, stylish on-purpose sort of way.)



I mixed in some pale turquoise paint with the pearl to make a really light blue that still had that pearl sheen.
You don't need a ton of paint - these have two light coats on them. I wanted the clay to show through just a bit.



Once you have them all painted you can start building your flowers.

Stick a little stuffing down in the pot, then glue a small ball of moss on top of it.



Cut a strip of burlap - about 1 1/2" x 10". Sew a gathering stitch along one side and pull up the thread to make a little circle of burlap. Knot the thread.
Glue the burlap to a small circle of felt.



Now cut a strip of your fabric, 2" x 18". Fold the fabric in half, wrong sides together and sew a gathering stitch along the raw edges.



Cut another small circle of felt. (about 1"). Glue the gathered fabric in a spiral, starting at the edge of the felt circle and overlapping as you work your way in.



Now cut about 8" of trim - and gather it up like you did the burlap.



Glue the burlap base to the green moss. Tilt it just a bit so the flower will be at a little angle.



Now glue your lace piece onto your fabric flower, then glue a button to the center.



Now glue your fabric flower into the burlap circle - and you're done with one!!



Make as many as you like. I made a total of five - because odd numbers make me happy.



I just love that pretty blue paired with the burlap and lace and buttons -



Here's that sneak peek of my mantel! I'm going to be finishing it up and showing off the whole thing over at my blog soon!



I hope you like them!



I'd love for you to stop by Flamingo Toes sometime and say hi! You can check out my other projects here.

Thank you so much Vivienne for having me over!

Thanks Bev! You helped save my bacon today!

Loss.

Devin and Conner's dad, Mike, lost his battle with colon cancer this morning.  The boys were by his side, which is what all three of them wanted.  

Thanks for all of the love, prayers and words of encouragement. 

Chasing Martha: the quest for a true Robin's Egg Blue.

Sometimes I question God's timing...  especially when in the middle of my storm of crap I got a call from The Martha Stewart Show.  I thought I might just need a paper bag to breathe into.

The producers had seen my Faux Robin Eggs online and were interested in having me come on the show and demonstrate how to make them.  With Martha.

I like them this pale blue color the best.

(Where's that paper bag again...?)  Oh my word!

Just one thing: since my eggs are very pale in color, could I make them look a bit more like real Robin eggs...?  ...Using Martha's line of craft paint?
Certainly!
If Martha asked me to lay an egg, I would do my best to make it happen.

She doesn't have an actual Robin Egg Blue in her line (I know, right?!) but she had 3 that were kind of in the neighborhood.

I took a few of the existing textured eggs (click here for the tutorial) and I repainted one in Surf.

Not quite teal enough... could I try mixing the colors?  Certainly!

To make the brown specks on the egg, take an old toothbrush and add a few drops of water to some brown paint.

Dip the brush in the paint and then pull back the top part of the brush with your fingers.

While holding the brush like this, you sort of snap your fingers and it makes the paint spatter.
Of course you can wear gloves, but it takes me longer to find gloves than it does to wash off water soluble acrylic paint.

Don't be a baby.  Just get your hands dirty.  It washes right off with regular soap and water.

Unfortunately for me, while I was doing all of this color testing, the segments the show was considering me for got filled with other people and projects.  Oh well.  (Seriously, I am just amazed and grateful that they even noticed me in the first place.)  I had been questioning God's timing in all of this, but I think maybe His motive was to give me a diversion and light a bit of a creative spark in me again.

It's a good thing.


Pin It

Table manners. They're what's for breakfast.

This was originally published a year ago...  Normally when I republish a funny story, it's about Grant.  However, I am really missing Devin and Conner today.  This one is about Conner.
*************************** 3/14/11******************

It's a school morning. I have a cup of coffee and am sitting in the living room, making fun of Meredith Viera's LACK of interviewing prowess. From the living room I can see into our dining room...

You know those heavy earth moving/construction vehicles that have a claw and can grab big scoops of earth or debris or whatever...? Yeah.

credit

That's the one.

Now imagine one of those, sitting at the dining room table eating a bowl of cereal.

Me: "Conner! You can't eat like that! It doesn't matter if you're eating alone or not, you can't eat like a pig!"

My attention goes back to the news. After a moment, my eye is drawn back to Conner, eating his cereal.

credit

Me: "Conner! You have waaaay too much food in your mouth! You can NOT eat like that!"

Back to the news. I notice that Conner is no longer at the table, and I assume he has now finished his cereal and has moved on to the rest of his morning routine.

Handsome Hubby walks by and into the kitchen and the following exchange ensues.

HH: "Hey Conner. Um, why are you standing in the middle of the kitchen eating your cereal...?"

Conner: "Cuz mom can't see me here. Her corrections were slowing me down."

oy.
So apparently, 14 year old boys find it is easier to eat standing up than it is to use common table manners. Sadly, I guess I'm not really surprised.

Making a pallet shelf with Kim from Too Much Time On My Hands...

Hi all, Kim from Too Much Time On My Hands is one of my favorite bloggers and she is filling in for me today.  She is brilliant and I am often inspired by her craftiness.

I am super excited to be here visiting with all of Vivienne's readers today! I am Kim, from Too Much Time On My Hands. I love to do crafty, DIY, upcycling types of projects and working with wood pallets is probably my fave.

I've got about 5 in my garage right now....

Much to the dismay of my husband he has surrendered his parking space for the sake of my "work area." (I did promise to have it cleared out and ready for him by the first snow-but hmmm, somehow that never did really happen)

I look at these things every day and have been wanting to try making a shelf. First things first, ask husband to cut one of these suckers up for me. No complaints from him, because he is just one step closer to that parking space!

I was left with four of these.

This shelf is for my friend, Amy's kitchen. I trimmed it down a hair so it will fit where she needs it. Then I sanded the heck out of it and painted it with 3 coats of white paint.

Out came the trusty blue tape and I marked off the edges, painted the edges white to ensure crisp lines, and painted the inside with chalkboard paint.

This shelf's purpose is to display Amy's daughter's artwork. So I grabbed 3 drawer pulls and 6 curtain rings, spray painted them all silver, and used epoxy to adhere them to the bottom of the shelf.

Remember, epoxy needs force to adhere, so my cookbooks came in handy.

And here it is!

I so love it. I hope it looks good in Amy's kitchen!

There is room inside for cookbooks, bottles of wine, and take out menus.

I am on a roll, who needs one?  Thanks so much for having me, Viv!

Thanks so much for helping me out today Kim!  Please visit Kim at her blog, or follow her on Facebook and twitter.