I feel like total crap... so I am in the mood to critique the fashions at last night's Golden Globe awards. (Cuz when I am bitchy and cranky I tend to share the wealth....)
JLH... I helped to make a bridal dress out of toilet paper at a bridal shower once. It had more shape and style than this though.
I love Helena Bonham Carter and usually her get-ups don't surprise me. (She is married to Tim Burton after all....)
However, this mess reminds me of an explosion at a tea party. (Perhaps it's a nod to Alice In Wonderland?)
Poor Catherine Zeta-Jones.
She's had a rough year, what with her hubby being sick and all. I wonder how many Shar-peis were sacrificed to make this green number?
( google images)
Then there are the girls whose dresses are OK or even pretty, but dang! They need to eat something! I'm Italian. I look at them and I want to make them a big 'ole pan of lasgana. Mangia! Have some cheese... Some pasta... Something!
All I kept thinking about when I looked at Claire Danes was "double sided tape".... And that she needed to eat something too. Same thing with January Jones.
Bravo prego!!!! Jane looks Fab! (When I was pregnant, everything was fat and pregnant... even my nose! That's right, I had pregnant ass, pregnant nose, pregnant arms... Life is not fair sometimes.)
Natalie? Fire your stylist.
Find out who Jane Krakowski is using and hire them. Clearly they know how to do something fabulous for pregnant women. It's a no-brainer that you'll be nominated for an Oscar. You better figure something out fast.
Look! It's Skanky Barbie! (OK, I guess the dress isn't completely hideous. She just seems to have a knack for making everything look cheap and tacky.)
What's with those pointy little wings on your shoulders?
Were you feeling a bit nostalgic for your Barbarella Days...?
Heidi? If one of the Project Runway designers presented this on the runway, they would have heard you say "I'm sorry, you're OUT." (So, um why are you wearing this...?)
Are they doing a feature film about Laugh-In? Is Michelle Williams going to be playing Goldie Hawn and she's preparing for the role....? There is no other explanation for this ensemble.
You know what I want to wear tonight? I'd love a shapeless shift dress that doesn't flatter my figure.
Oh! Oh! And I'd really love it if it could look like there are beaded crabs and sea creatures all over it....mkay?
Never accessorize with or add embellishments that are bigger than your head.
Another tip? Never opt for a dress where you will need someone to follow you around with a steam iron.
I have no words for this. None.
I wear these UNDER my dress. They're called Spanx. They're fabulous!
They said this is a songwriter named Diane Warren...
No one is fooling me. It's Ric Ocasek, trying to move on from that Cars stuff.
No matter what you wear, I just. don't. like. you.
Enough already. My latest round of medicine is kicking in. Time for a nap...
Eva Longoria wins the Best Dressed award from me. (She's already called to thank me.)
(all images from tmz.com unless otherwise noted.)
I'm probably going to still be sick by the time the Academy Awards roll around, so I should have more snark. Click here to read last year's snarky take on the 2010 Oscar fashions.