Dear Lord, please give me the strength to be Grant's Mom...

Grant is not cooperating. He's been told to clean up his room. I am not going to do it for him. It actually looks messier each time I check on him.

I just gave him a swat on his rear end because he sassed me about it. (Swat, with hand, totally appropriate and more for affect than anything.) Oh the drama! You'd think I had used a cattle prod. Oscar Award winning wails and crying. Pah-leeze.

"Grant! Stop with the crying."

mmgmm. hiccup, cough cough, mmgmm, cough cough.

"Grant! Stop with the fake coughing."

"I can't stop coughing! I'm allergic to spankings!"

Is it too early for a drink?

Stupid craft projects! Geez.

~~~ UPDATED ~~~~
Participating int Thrifty Decor Chick's Goodwill Party. Click here for amazing transformations.
~~~~

I love crafts. (But sometimes they make me mad.)

I love the idea of taking something and turning it into something else. (But sometimes the something isn't what I imagined.)

Mod Podge is a great way to do that. (Both to try to craft and make yourself mad...) Xazmin at This Is The Year is having another Mod Podge link-up. Go here to see more.

I bought this platter the same day I bought what turned out to be my drunken lampshades. I think it was $3.

I spray painted it a cream color and printed out text on the computer to Mod Podge onto the platter.

I should mention that I am not fond of our printer (and it is not fond of me.) The size is never right, the ink is never dark enough, etc. I played with the sizing button. I painstakingly (pain-in-the-ass-stakingly) cut out the words with an X-acto knife, then went over the entire word with a black Sharpie.

Then I Mod Podged that sucker where I wanted it. This was going to go on my kitchen counter, but there are brush strokes galore, and I learned the hard way that if you notice an imperfection that has been sealed in several coats of Mod Modge, it does NOT work out well if you dab a little of the spray paint color on with a tiny paintbrush. When it dries you have little lighter colored spots "floating" on your project. Therefore, this platter now lives on the mantel where the imperfections will not be seen as easily...

I am working on 3 little plates to go above my dining room slider, but my paper keeps crinkling up. Were this an audio blog it would be rated R for language. Sadly, I am trying to do a bible scripture for the plates in question... perhaps I should try praying instead of cussing? I'll give that a whirl and see if it turns out. In the meantime, go get some inspiration at This Is The Year.

serenity: (noun) the quality or state of being serene (2)

I'm participating in Happy To Design's Sunday Favorites again. (I better write some new things or pretty soon I won't have anything to post on Sunday Favs...)

I desperately need to get my hair cut, so I thought of this post. It was originally published June 27, 2008. (And yes, thank you, I have gotten my hair done since then...)
(FYI, I no longer go to this salon.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got my hair done this afternoon. I'm happy with the finished product, but I was there for 3 hours (kind of speedy for my hair, actually) and I had lots of time to come up with this list of reasons why Serenity Salon should consider a name change:

• A Mexican guy with a cowboy hat and a belt buckle the size of a hub cap, going from chair to chair, selling flats of strawberries does not make me serene. Especially when I am wearing a tin-foil headdress.


• If told that my purse is "fine where it is" - then while stuck under a dryer across the room I see someone getting a hair cut in very close proximity to my unattended purse, am I thinking about a) theft; b) someone else's hair trimmings getting in my purse; c) tranquility? (Hint: the answer is not c)


• The shampoo sinks were designed by (and for!) giraffes. Keeping me there too long leaves me needing Aspercreme and an ice pack. It does not leave me relaxed.


• Bright track lighting aimed directly at my retinas while I get a shampoo (and a bruise on my neck) does not leave me peaceful.

I'm thinking they should go with something like: the Amphetamine Salon or the Bristle Brush.

BTW? I think this may be the only person on the planet who would be comfortable in that shampoo chair.

.

Just no.

Two awards - for fabulosity and confusion...

I am very honored that Kim at The Child gave me the Your Blog is Fabulous award.

If you have not read her blog yet, you must do so.
(Go now. I'll wait until you get back.)

I won't tell any of her stories, but she had a challenging childhood and adolescence. Her experiences have shaped her into an amazing woman. Her posts are thought provoking and brilliantly written. I will find myself turning a concept over and over in my mind because she addressed it in a post.

This award comes with the obligation to pass it on and list 5 of my least favorite things. Um, don't I already do that? It's called my blog.

OK. Fine. In no particular order:

1. Energy Drinks - I think they're a bad idea in general. There are dozens on the market and I think it's just a bunch of un-tested crap, thrown into a vile brew of preservatives and non FDA approved hocus pocus. And they're freakin' expensive. There's a sucker born every minute.
2. Gardeners, painters, Realtors and other companies who leave their trash (er, promotional materials) on my porch. (Except for the realtor who gave out 2 cent stamps the other week when the postage rates went up. She's OK.)
3. Children who don't listen and then try to claim you've never spoken on a certain subject.
4. The apple core that was tossed onto the floorboard of my car about two weeks ago and was just discovered today.
5. The Bermuda Triangle for houseplants that exists in a corner of my living room. Same amount of light, same amount of care, not under a vent, etc... but a dead plant every time.

I'd like to pass this one on to:
Rachel at A Reservation For Six
JJ at I'd Rather Be Laughing
Liz at Sugarplum Creations
Lynn at It's A July Thing

Speaking of Lynn at It's A July Thing she gave me an award. She covers a lot of topics and even has a second blog called Lynn and Barbie's Big Ass Trip To China. Funny and quirky always work for me!

I don't know what this award is called.... Neither does Lynn. She told me to just make something up. So! I give you (er me?) The Blank Canvas Award - celebrating blogs who cram in a lot of different topics. Also? The picture of this award is a frame. And a book. (I got nuthin' as far as working in the egg though..)

She said she chose me (and her 6 other picks) because: "I have chosen them because they make me laugh, they are honest, they aren't all about one thing, like flowers or tablescapes, etc. I love their work and wish I were that good, or they are kindred spirits to me, they are intelligent and they are good writers!"

Thank you Lynn! We are to pass this award on and list 7 traits that we have.

1. I have the singular focus of a hummingbird with ADHD. - With regard to Lynn's comment about my blog not being "all about one thing" - I simply don't have the focus or attention span to devote my blog to just one thing.
2. I have terrible eye contact. - After a random encounter and brief chat with a body language expert, she could tell that I lived overseas during my early childhood years. She said that during conversations, I have a "pattern of eye contact" that is apparently indicative of societies where women are not as valued as men and there are clear distinctions among the classes. It appears my subconscious can't decide if I'm better than you, if you're better than me, if I should scrub your floor, or if I should demand you go fetch me a cup of tea. (Now bitch!)
3. I have a bad temper.
4. I will forgive but I can't seem to get that "forgetting" part down.
5. I am either completely organized or in total disarray. There is not much room for in between.
6. I don't believe in Hocus Pocus. I don't believe in feng shui or chakras. If I'm having a bad day, I don't believe for one minute that it's because Mercury is in retrograde.
7. However, I do believe in the concept of karma and basic golden rule stuff. Do good things and good things will come to you. Do good things and the world is made a tiny bit better.

I'd like to pass this one on to:
JennyKate at JennyKate's Spot
Melissa at Bloggin' It
Macey at Living In France
Nipsy at NIPPLEICIOUS (you heard me...)
Connie at The Young and the Relentless
and....
Mama-Face at Blog-Ignoramus (who reminded me that there are such things as instant karma and that I am getting old and forgetful in one fell swoop.)

Thanks again to Kim and to Lynn, now please go visit some of my favs...

Overheard at lunch today...

My precious 5 year old has learned a snippet of some inappropriate song.

Grant is singing "I looooove feelin' dirty! I loooove feelin' cheap! I looooove feelin' dirty! I loooove feelin' cheap!" over and over, like a broken record.

Jump on into my nightmare. The water's warm.

~~~~ UDATED 4:15 ~~~~~
Just found out what it is: "Dominated Love Slave" by Green Day

Fabulous.

There are some big brothers who are going to get a lecture...

I'd fire him, but that's what he wants.

The instructions:
Conner, please go hang up your ski jacket.

The result.


Um, not exactly what I had in mind. I was thinking more along these lines:


After yesterday's lunch money, bike crashing, ripped shorts, "parallel to the park" debacle, I had been hoping the rip in the shorts was small and on a seam.

Not so much.
Fairly new Quiksilver shorts, gutted like a trout. There's no salvaging these babies.

oy.
(Also? When I came out of my room this morning I discovered that Conner was actually out of his bed. I took that as a good sign, until I realized he had simply moved to the couch and had gone back to sleep there...)

The sky is falling!!! (Well, it could be...) Part 3

The sky is falling!!! (Well, it could be...) Part 2
The sky is falling!!! (Well, it could be...) Part 1

Hey you Moms out there! Imagine this scenario:
A few years ago, I'm putting laundry away in my 14 year old's room when I find a note addressed to me....

Even though I drive you nuts, and even though I deny it with my teenlyness, I just want you to know that I love you and I always will.
love, Devin

Priceless!!!

Now you should know I never received it, but rather, the little turkey wrote it, got mad at me, and then in a fit of "screw you Mom!" ripped it up and never gave it to me.

Even MORE priceless!!

Now I ask you... how important is it that you grab that note in a fire?! (Especially if you're the kind of Mom who brings it out every Mother's Day, and the child who wrote it is taller than you and you like each other again....)

Heidi over at Sacred and Profane had about 30 seconds last week to decide what she'd grab when there was a fire. Shit happens, people panic. I know I will panic. It's not even a question of whether or not I'll panic. I just don't want to lose my important stuff while I'm doing it. I may spend 30 precious seconds deciding whether or not to have someone finish off the milk before we evacuate, but damn it, the important stuff is already taken care of!

The two previous posts in this series (series - boy oh boy, do I sound like the fraud I feel like? Lets instead call this so long winded that it needed to be broken up into 3 posts instead)...

Where was I? Oh right. In the two previous posts on this subject I wrote about what my family does as far as emergency preparedness. We follow basic guidelines and prep that the Red Cross and our city have suggested, but I shared what we do to stay organized and comfortable while doing so.

The previous posts dealt with what to do if you need to stay home. What do you do if you need to evacuate or some emergency arises while you are away from home?

Rule #1. Keep your gas tank(s) topped off.
Yes, yes, I know that gas prices are ridiculous (although not quite as bad as last year). My pre-9/11 rule of thumb used to be to fill it when I got down to a quarter of a tank. Now if I am down by a quarter of a tank, I top it off.

If you need convincing, imagine this scenario:
You're awakened in the middle of the night by police telling you your neighborhood is in the path of a wildfire and everyone is being evacuated. Grab what you can, you have 10 minutes to leave. Do you really want to toss your family, scrapbooks, pets and computer hard-drive into the car, start the engine and realize your "low fuel" light is on?

How about this one?
You're 50 miles from home and there's an earthquake, a terrorist attack, a tornado (whatever). You can't get back to your house, roads are impassable. The point is: you can't go home.

If the power is out, do you know what else you can't do?
Pump gas or use your credit or debit cards.

It's much better to be able to say, "Well this sucks" and not have to worry about fuel levels. (On that note, make sure your basic oil change, tire pressure, mechanic blah blah blah is done.)

Rule #2. Keep emergency supplies in your car.

I keep a first aid kit, jumper cables, flares, etc. in my car. All the things they say you should have in your car in case of an emergency. I have a couple of blankets (which come in handy all the time in a non-emergency way.) I also have things I think would be helpful.

I got this gray storage case for Handsome Hubby for Father's Day several years ago. It's supposed to be for storing gym or sports equipment in the car. Well he never used it, so I took it back and it is my emergency supply case. It stays in my car, and because it's sturdy and flat, I throw my grocery bags on top of it, dry cleaning, etc, etc.

So in addition to basic ER supplies, I make sure I have a good pair of walking shoes and socks. Flip flops or high heels will not cut it if you need to get out of your car and hoof it. I have a towel, sunscreen, bug spray, matches, wet wipes, note paper, scotch tape, pens, a list of phone numbers, (just like the one I described in Part 2).

I have relative's addresses, I have lists of medications we take, (allergies, if any). If you needed to hand over that info to someone, it's nice not to have to scramble. On that point, I also have copies of our health insurance cards.

HH is an outdoorsman. Part of his required hunter training course dealt with out door survival techniques. I am guessing it unlikely that that kids and I would ever be alone and trying to survive in the wilderness, but you never know. To dip my toe in the "outdoor survival" waters, I do keep a roll of tin-foil in my car and a film canister with cotton balls dipped in Vaseline.

Tin foil can be used to signal for help, but also, if you break down somewhere ridiculously hot (I'm in SoCal, remember) you can line your car windows with it and reflect some of the sunlight. My in-laws live 3 hours away in the high desert. There are patches with no cell reception and there isn't a tree in sight.

There are also lots of truckers with missing teeth. Lord knows how long I'd have to wait it out for help. Shade would be good.

The cotton balls make it really easy to start a fire if necessary. Have you ever tried to light a fire in your fireplace with a log and a match? It doesn't work. You need to get kindling, etc. going first.

That's the scope of my outdoor survival knowledge! ha.

I also have "the little blue bag" filled with snacks. I rotate these out on a regular basis, just like my cabinets and pantry. There is basic picnic ware in there. I usually keep a case of bottled water in the car as well as playing cards, little travel games, etc. if we need to pass the time.

Our friends have a motor home (he's a cop with extra-scary classified info in his head) and at all times they keep their motor home filled with gas, and stocked with food, water, blankets, etc. They are ready to live in their driveway or to quickly get out of Dodge.

If bad stuff starts to happen, (not just terrorism stuff, but idiot people who think "Earthquake! Lets riot, loot and shoot!!!") it's nice to have a place to go that is stocked with food, water and supplies.

Rule #3. Have an idea where you'll go.
If you have to evacuate, you should have a plan as to where you would go. No one wants to sleep on a cot, housed in a high school gym turned Red Cross shelter. Figure out where you want to go ahead of time and know the alternate routes to get there. All of the alternate routes. GPS is nice and all, but it never hurts to have a Thomas Guide or area map on hand too.

Rule # 4. Know what the heck you're going to grab on your way out.
Important papers:
Best case scenario? You have a safe deposit box. (We haven't gotten around to that...)
Realistic scenario? You've been meaning to do it, but just haven't gotten around to it yet. (This one is us.)

So we're prepared to deal at home, if an emergency happens before we get around to renting that box.

The note I mentioned at the top of this post is an important paper to me. I have a box in my closet where all things sentimental wind up. Since it's on the small side, I'm judicious with my choices as to what goes in there, but it's ready to grab and go.

The "screw you Mom!" note and many other things that have made me smile or cry (or both at the same time) are in here, including little videos, some CDs with pictures, etc.

If you can't back up your photos onto disc or what have you, storing your photos online is a good idea. Look into sites where you can store your photo files and have access to them without a lot of cost or hassle.

The legally important papers:

I have the "ER Grab & Go" file. It is a simple, cheapy file folder and is in the cabinet under our phone number list. HH knows where it is. (This is very important: Share the info with your spouse or other relative!)

Our original birth certificates, marriage certificates, passports, SS cards, etc are in there. I have also made a few copies of each of the originals and they are in there too. (You never know when you'll need to give someone a copy, prove how old your child is for AYSO sign-ups, etc. It's nice to be able to put your hands on that stuff immediately.)

I have also put our original insurance policies in there and copies of the declaration pages. We have original paper work pertaining to our vehicles, our house, etc. I have some CDs with pictures, documents from the computer and tax information in there as well.

I am still working on completing it. Here's what I need to add:

• Current copies of our credit reports (after having made sure they're accurate, of course)


• Photo copies of our bank cards (front and back) with customer service phone numbers


• A list with information on all the cards you normally keep in your wallet. If it's lost or stolen, you want to be sure you cancel everything that was in there.


• Photo documentation of the inside of our house and garage, as well as receipts for any big ticket items.

Well guys, that's all I've got.

I think... I'm tired and cranky and feeling overwhelmed right now (but wanted to get this post up). Thank goodness if there's an emergency right now at least I'll have a full tank of gas and the surly love notes my children have written me.

What do you do to stay prepared?

My swap package is here!

Last month I signed on to participate in a Favorite Things Swap at Dandelion Wishes. It's Mamarazzi's blog and she arranged everything.

In addition to getting to put together my favorite things to send to someone, I'd be receiving a box of someone else's favorite things. My assigned Swap Partner is Becky over at In The Trenches. I am now a follower and really enjoy reading posts. Lets just say that when I see a kitten or sit down to a bowl of noodles, I will think of Becky from now on.

My package arrived this afternoon.
How cool that she wrapped each item individually and wrote little notes on them:


I was cracking up as I unwrapped them. Sort of clockwise, here's what she sent me:

• She was kind enough to send me her very own copy of her favorite book. It's a true story of a kidnapped pioneer woman and I plan to read it to her ASAP
• A beautiful scarf in colors that look good on me! Bonus! I've been wanting one and actually entered a giveaway at another blog, hoping to pick one up.
• Because she has read my posts, Becky knows that I am less than enthusiastic about tattoos, so of course she sent me a whole sheet of stick-ons. I laughed my butt off.
• A hysterical note pad that reads: "Why did the woman with PMS cross the road? ... to kill the chicken."
• A very cool little photos album. I have random pictures just getting shuffled around the house. This will provide the perfect place to organize them and keep them handy.
• Chocolate! Dove chocolate. My very favorite. (I actually had a few pieces of it already!)
• A pack of gum. I am a gum-chewin' fool. If I had a nickel for every half full pack of gum floating around here I would be a wealthy woman. I keep it in my purse, cabinets, my car, coat pockets, etc... (She says she needs it when she works out... I don't quite get that...)
• 2 really yummy scented bars of soap. I could actually smell them outside of the package. mmm.
• And in the very center, a little stone that has the word happiness engraved on it. Handsome Hubby and I have a little tradition... every time we lift our glasses in a toast, we always say "To happiness." So that little stone is going to go in a place where I can see it every day.

Thank you Becky for all your favorite things. They did indeed bring me happiness!

Handsome Hubby drew the short straw this morning.

Conner will not get out of bed in the morning.
He has AC-DC's Back In Black album in his CD alarm clock... Blaring.
Nope. He'll lay there, bleary eyed and listening, but he won't get out of bed.

He's gotten up to "make his bed" (can you see my "air quotes" here?) but all he does is collapse back on top of it, with his feet on his pillow and his head at the foot of the bed and go back to sleep. I told him the bed making can wait until he's been up and around a little bit. Now he just climbs down the ladder from the top bunk and lays down on the bottom bunk. (And on top of Grant....)

We've even doused this kid with water.
Not as effective as we would have hoped.

The new rule is that he has to walk out the door by 8:00. Every minute past 8:00 = 5 push-ups. He leaves at 8:03? That'll be 15 push-ups. (As of today he owes us 170 push-ups.)

This morning he was so behind schedule that he wanted to save time by not making his lunch. Each kid is given money to buy his lunch in the cafeteria one time each week, (and one time only.) If they want to buy each day of the week, we'll pay for 1 day, but they pay the other 4. (I don't jump through hoops, finding deals on healthy lunch stuff so that they can forgo it for more expensive, less nutritious, "ketchup counts as a vegetable" school lunches!)

He sat, waiting for Handsome Hubby to finish getting ready, so he could ask HH for lunch money. I was in the same room. I usually have $2.75 on me. He could have asked me.

Instead he waited....
He didn't gather his stuff while waiting.
He didn't put on his shoes while waiting.
He didn't make his bed while waiting.
He just sat, like a proverbial bump on a log. Ugh!
He walked out the door with his lunch money and an additional 30 push-ups added to his tally.

About 15 minutes after he left, the phone rang. We did not recognize the number on the caller ID. It was Conner. On someone's borrowed cell phone (because he can't remember where his is, or if it's charged, or whatever...) He has crashed his bike and he is OK, but his "pants" (what he insists on calling shorts) have ripped from top to bottom. Help! Can we bring him a new pair and can we go to school with him to sign him in because he will be tardy....

HH was on the way out the door anyway. I give him a new pair of shorts and off he goes. Conner has told him he is in the park and when HH asked "where exactly?" Conner informed him that he was "parallel to the park."

WTF, parallel to the park?

HH drove around the park block a time or two, scanning the grounds, looking for Conner.

Besides teaching Conner that pants are not the proper word for shorts, we also need to teach him that parallel to the park is not the proper term for ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PARK!!!! Duh!

HH grabs him and the bike and drives him the rest of the way to school. Conner changes his shorts, gives the ripped pair to HH and HH signs him in at the attendance office.

As he gets back out to his car to finally head in to the office, HH realizes there is something in the pocket of the ripped shorts.... Conner's lunch money.

ugh.

I am short on time.

Therefore, let me share a "make ahead" overnight recipe that works for us.

I make it on Christmas Eve so it's ready to pop in the oven on Christmas morning. It's also great for Mother's Day or any time you have company.

It's a Better Homes and Garden recipe, but I've tweaked it a bit for our tastes. To see their original recipe, click here. (photo BHG.com)

French Toast with Pears
3 medium pears, peeled, cored, and thinly sliced
2 Tbsp. packed brown sugar
1/2 tsp. snipped fresh rosemary
2 Tbsp. butter
14 to 16 half-inch slices French bread (about 1 loaf)
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
1/4 tsp orange extract
2 Tbsp. butter, melted
3 Tbsp. granulated sugar
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
2-1/2 cups milk
3 eggs
1 Tbsp. vanilla
1/4 tsp. salt
Warm maple syrup, fresh berries
Directions
1. Grease a 3-quart rectangular baking dish; set aside.
Mix softened cream cheese and orange extract.
Arrange 7 or 8 bread slices in a single layer in prepared baking dish.
Spread cream cheese mixture on the slices.

In a large skillet cook pears, brown sugar, and rosemary in 2 tablespoons butter over medium heat for 4 to 5 minutes or until pears are just tender.
Spoon pear mixture on bread slices and cream cheese.
Top each stack with a bread slice.
Brush bread with melted butter.
Combine granulated sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle evenly over bread.

In a medium bowl whisk together milk, eggs, vanilla, and salt. Slowly pour over bread slices. Cover and chill for 1 to 24 hours.

2. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Bake, uncovered, for 40 to 45 minutes or until edges are puffed and golden. Let stand for 10 minutes. Serve warm with maple syrup, berries, and honey, or cranberry conserve. Makes 8 servings.



Yum! (And E.A.S.Y....)

For more recipes, please go check out My Chihuahua Bites!, Balancing Beauty and Bedlam, and Blessed With Grace.

Friday Night Follies (Authors, Chardonnay and Choking Hazards)

I saw Jen Lancaster on Friday night!!! Yes! THE Jen Lancaster!

She is the incredibly funny, acerbic wit behind:

BITTER IS THE NEW BLACK - Confessions of a Condescending, Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smartass,Or, Why You Should Never Carry A Prada Bag to the Unemployment Office

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS - A Self-Indulgent, Surly, Ex-Sorority Girl's Guide to Why it Often Sucks in the City, or Who are These Idiots and Why Do They All Live Next Door to Me?

SUCH A PRETTY FAT - One Narcissist's Quest To Discover if Her Life Makes Her Ass LookBig, Or Why Pie is Not The Answer

She was at my local Barnes and Noble, doing a reading, Q&A and book signing to promote her 4th book:

PRETTY IN PLAID -A Life, a Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart Ass Phase

I desperately wanted a girlfriend or two to go with me. Here was the problem: Friday night was the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend. (Also, it appears that I am the only one of us who is rabid enough about this author to convince their husbands to leave Saturday morning instead...)

When I couldn't get any of my girlfriends to go with me, I called Handsome Hubby at work on Friday afternoon. "Honeeeey.....? Wanna go with me to this book signing....?" He laughed and said of course he would. (Such a prince, my man.) I told him it started at 7:00 so we should probably be out of there by 7:45 or 8:00 or so.

Did I mention that I've never actually been to a book signing before? I'm an avid reader, but there really hasn't been another author that I felt compelled to follow like groupie. I thought a signing would be an author behind a desk, with people lined up to get their books signed, say hello, and then away they go...

Did you see Borat?

You know the scenes where he goes to Pamela Anderson's book signing? I figured I'd just throw Jen Lancaster in the wedding sack and be on my way.

When we arrived at the shopping center, HH was kind of laughing at me because I was pretty much speed walking through the parking lot. It started at 7:00 and it was about 5 minutes 'til, but I didn't know if it would be like an Open House, if there was a line, whatever. I should have gotten there early, but just couldn't swing it. Walking into Barnes & Noble, I was amazed and relieved: No line. I didn't see one anywhere. Woot!

My imagination, fueled by hope, began to run wild:

Maybe no one else was hip to her but me! Maybe we'd chat and she'd tell me funny stories and I'd laugh and she would enjoy talking with me so much that we would grab a drink after her signing! (I mean, she's in a strange town - she's a Chicago Girl - and this signing thingy would probably be over by 8:00 - 8:30 tops, right....!?)

"Ma'am? Ma'am? Are you here for the book signing?"

I turn to see two store employees, handing out wrist bands. Hot pink. Mine has the letter "E" on it.

E Ticket? Those were always good. (Some of you youngsters won't remember that phrase, but it was Disneylandese, and it meant really good.)

E is the 5th letter of the alphabet - that's near the beginning - that's good....

E for expedited....?

We're directed upstairs.

Upstairs is jam-packed. There are rows and rows of chairs, all with bodies in them. I find out later that these people had the "A" wristbands. There is no where to sit. There is no way to stand and be able to see her when she is talking. I consider climbing on top of one of the bookshelves and scoring myself a balcony perch, but quickly discard that idea when I remember I am at Barnes & Noble, not the House Of Blues.

Handsome Hubby and I try to find a good spot and can't. I decide I'm going to circle around to the front and see if I can wiggle in anywhere. Score! Hubs says he is going to cruise around and look at the books. He says he may not see Jen Lancaster but he'll be able to hear her and he'll find his own spot. At that point, as long as I got to see and hear, I was OK with everything else.

Ignoring the people milling around, I scooch down in the front and grab myself some floor right near the podium. By the time she arrives, even though I am slightly behind her, I can see and hear just great. And I'm sitting with a bookshelf for a backrest, so I'm actually kind of comfortable.

She came dressed in her '80s themed finery and did a short reading (the Lobster chapter from her new book) and then took questions. The reading was humorous, but the answers she gave to our questions were hilarious. That girl is quick witted!

I tried to film a bit of it with my camera, but in my excitement, I forgot that when I'm in "recording mode" I can't turn the camera sideways for a better angle. Steven Spielberg, I am not. (Quentin Tarantino, maybe...?)

Hubs made his way over to me halfway through the Q & A. He was pretty entertained as well. I heard him laughing right along with everyone else. By the time she said she needed to wrap up the questions so she could get to the signing, I was surprised to find it was already a little after 8:00. So much for just throwing her in a wedding sack and leaving. (My hopes for drinks afterward had been dashed upon reaching the top of the escalator.)

Do you know what the wristbands were for? Your place in line to get your book signed. I was in Group E - Group D was the last one. Now given the fact that I had asked my Handsome Hubby to come with me, that I told him we should be done with all this fairly quickly, and it was now crystal clear that it won't be my turn for at least another hour.... I would have considered just bailing at that point. Never mind! I'll just see her on the next tour...

But here's the thing: She made two stops in the Bay Area last year, but didn't come to Southern California at all. Who knows when I'd get another chance to see her.

You know who definitely isn't going to get a chance to see her ? Connie from The Young and the Relentless. She is a huge fan too, but she lives in Utah.... not scheduled for a stop on this tour. I promised Connie that if she mailed her book to me, I would get it signed for her and mail it back. So I for sure couldn't cut out early!

We snagged a couple of the A Group's vacated chairs and waited. Handsome Hubby picked up some new reading material for himself... "Pacific Coast Mammals" where every. single. mammal. living on this coast is identified, along with a realistic sketch of the animal, its footprints and its poop. That's right. Poop. I asked him if he wanted Jen Lancaster to sign that one.

(These post-it notes freaked me out when the line was first forming. I did not have post-it notes! I brought my books from home! Did they think I bought my books here? Oh God! Do they think I stole them if there's no post-it!? There was much clawing at my face and wailing before one of the employees assured me that it was only to expedite the signing process. The author needs to know how to spell the book owner's name... Oh. Well, I'm OK then.)

HH went to grab a quick snack, but I was able to people watch (how stinkin' cute are this girl's giraffe print sling-backs?!?)

and I had an uninterrupted hour or so to read. Wow.

(At one point, having grown tired of the Poop Book, Handsome Hubby picked up Bitter Is The New Black and was thumbing through it and laughing...)

When it was my turn to have the books signed, I was able to show Jen Lancaster a picture of Connie and her sister that had been featured on her blog. (Please go here to check it out.) It was great for me, since I was able to have something to say other than "I'mAHugeFanAndILoveYourBooks!!!" (or something equally witty and original) all in one, big, spit-while-I-talk, breath when I finally got up there. It was win-win, both for me and for Connie.

And a bonus at this signing? Danny from Dad Gone Mad was there. He knows Jen through the These Writers Are Amazing and a Huge Deal Blog Association (TWAAHDBA) and lives in the area. I got to say hello to him, too. I haven't found too many funny blogs about family, life, etc from a man's point of view. (But then, I don't get out much.)

By the time we left it was after 9:30. I was famished. HH decided to completely make my evening and took me out for a quick date at a local wine bar.

A few blocks from the beach, lovely lighting and decor, amazing food (braised short rib sliders with caramelized onions and Gruyere cheese, served with Truffle Oil and Parmesan homemade chips? Hellloooo!) and a nice Chalk Hill Chardonnay by the glass. Perfect.

HH and I are about to settle in for our little impromptu date, when my phone rings. I can see from my caller ID that "Home" is calling. That is never good.

I answer. It's Conner. He is practically in tears.
C: "Mom? I think there's something lodged in my throat."
Me: "Well, Conner, the fact that you can breathe and talk means you are not choking."
C: "But I think maybe it's pizza and it's lodged in there."
Me: "Just relax. You're OK, you're not choking. You can breathe."
C: "Should I try to hit myself on the back or something?"
Me: "Do NOT try to do that. You're fine, just relax..."

At this point, HH can figure out what's up by my end of the conversation and we are both cracking up. I am trying to soothe my frightened child while I am laughing at him. (Mother of the Year, I know...)

You see, every single night at dinner, for the past 10 years or so, Conner hears us tell him "Hey! That is waaaay too big of a bite!" or "Slow down!" or "Chew your food!" Watching this kid eat is sort of like watching a snake try to swallow a goat. You'd think he had a long and traumatic history with having his food yanked away from him before he got to eat any. We don't understand why he does this, but each member of our family really should be trained for the Heimlich Manuever.

We got him calmed down. We enjoyed our late night snack and drink. We talked about our evening, our kids, the funny things that happen. While it would have been fun to have a drink with Jen Lancaster, I am confident that I will always be surrounded by plenty of funny.

Why are men so stubborn? Friend Makin' Mondays.

I love, love, love, the question Kasey posed for us all at Friend Makin' Mondays:.

"How did you and your significant other meet? If you don't have a significant other at the moment, then what would be your dream way to meet him (or her)?"

I got the Lemonade Stand Gratitude award several weeks ago, and I wrote about the person I was most grateful for... My hubs.

Rather than re-write the basic story for this FMM, please click here to read how I met him and how he proposed. (Or in my particular case, how he didn't propose... )

Go, make some friends...

In case of emergency... head towards the bar! (2)

I've just done a couple of posts about emergency preparedness. You can read parts 1 and 2 here and here. (I will post part 3 on Tuesday.)

On that subject, and in line with Happy To Design's Sunday Favorites, I republish my Dad's Emergency Preparedness Plan.

~~~ originally published June 25, 2008 ~~~~

Today is my dad's 74th birthday. He's very easy to shop for. All he wants for his birthday is Tanqueray gin. Father's Day? Tanqueray. Merry Christmas! Here's your bottle of Tanqueray!

Dad is a Martini Man. And when I say martini, I don't mean the yummy Pomegranate or Lemon Drop vodka martinis that I like to drink...

I mean the taste-like-nail-polish-remover-smells gin martinis: fill glass with ice. Pour gin (Tanquerey, of course) over the ice and fill the glass. Pour a cap-full of dry vermouth over the top of that. Add a jalapeno stuffed olive. eeew.

When I was about 13 he asked me to make him one (which I thought was quite an honor).
Well, I reversed the ingredients: glass of vermouth, cap-full of gin. You know how in the movies people take a swig of something and spew it out in a fine spray across the table? Yeah. That's what happened. Almost 30 years later he still teases me about that.

Um, parents? If your 13 year old can make a great martini, there is something wrong with you.

Each time he makes a run to CostCo, he grabs the Overstreet's version of earthquake supplies: a case of toilet paper and a gallon sized bottle of Tanqueray. I repeat: each time. (Oddly, I have never seen where these stockpiles are kept.) My parents' priorities are firmly set. I'm sure they have bottled water, batteries and flashlights (especially after the Great Blackout of 1997 - a story for another time) and with mom being a retired RN, there are medical supplies (including Flexaril!). However, they recognize that comfort and familiarity go a long way when things go south.

I am going to stash a bottle of good vodka at their house. Because if the "Big One" does hit? I'm going to spend cocktail hour with Big Daddy Dave.

(To read about the Great Blackout.... click here.)

I didn't think sodium was such a problem.

It became obvious to me today that Grant learned a new phrase and was just chomping at the bit to use it...

Grant: "Mom, may I have popcorn, please?"
Mom: "Sure buddy. Thanks for asking nicely."

3 minutes and 15 seconds later...

Mom: "Grant, your popcorn is ready!"
Grant: "Does it have salt on it?"
Mom: "It comes with some salt already on it."
Grant: (with both hands up in a warding off gesture) "Oh, no thanks then. Salt freaks me out."

oy.

Lovely blogs....

Kelli at Outside My Kitchen Window gave me the Lovely Blog Award. I adore her blog, so I consider this a real honor. She is sweet and funny and seems like her moral compass always points due North. She has had trouble negotiating stairs, but she tends a gorgeous garden. :-) Thanks, Kelli!

In this award sense, I am using the word "lovely" to apply to things that I like: smart-assery, funny stories, cool crafts, people who have their **** together, beautiful decor and nice people in general.

It is supposed to go to blogs that I have recently discovered. I will play by those rules and pass this on to some of my new ones, but I am also going to pass it on to the bloggers who have encouraged me/invited me to participate out here in Blog-Land. I would have a hard time finding new blogs without them.

Therefore, I need to pass this award on to:

SERIOUSLY! - I have been following Shawn since I figured out what "following" is. I think she has not only received this before, but she just received it from Kelli as well. I don't care! I love her blog and her sense of humor, and most of my Blog Land fun was kicked into gear by Shawn. She's hysterical and irreverent. Go. Visit.

All That Is Good - Kasey hosts Friend Makin' Monday (on Mondays, duh) and it has been a great way to meet other bloggers. She is one of the people responsible from transitioning me from lurker to commenter and participant.

{aefilkins} - Amber hosts Extreme Makeover: Me Edition on Wednesdays. We all try to live healthy lives and Amber has provided a forum to share stories, get encouragement and meet new friends.

Housewife Savant - Kelly is off the wall and hysterical! Ergo, anyone who reads and likes her must be off the wall and hysterical too. Click - follow a comment. Click - read who Kelly is reading? Click - and you're down, down, down the rabbit hole....

because of them, I've found:

The Machinist's Wife - funny stories spanning the globe: England, South Africa and Australia, while balancing family, a machine factory and a pie shop. Really.

Please Try Again - "Alex the Girl" writes funny stuff, poignant stuff, and funny, poignant stuff.

Sacred and Profane - Yeah, I'm totally late to this party, but it's new to me, so it counts. So what that I am chronically uncool and am the last to find the cool stuff? I find it eventually.

The Great Northwest - Jessica does a little bit of everything and she does it all well. Her blog seems to be sort of a one stop shop for whatever you may need... Recipes? Crafts? Funny? Family? Yep. Go.

Mrs. Wright, Gone Wrong - OK, with a name like Smuckers it has to be good. This woman is very funny and reminds me a bit of the aforementioned Ms. Savant. Please do go visit her.

Happy To Design - Chari reminds me that it's nice to slow down and look at pretty things, set a nice table, appreciate things that are pink and she encourages us to link up republish some of our favorite posts on "Sunday Favorites" each weekend.

Please go check out these great blogs. Thanks again Kelli!

Free is a very good price.

I love a free lunch. Contrary to what you may have heard, they do exist.

Sacred and Profane hosts Friday Freebies.

She gives things away for free. Free! All you have to do is leave a comment to enter. That's it. And you don't get have any threat of spam, unless Heidi (who runs the joint) decides to make Spam the Iron Chef ingredient for that month.

This week one of my very favorite bloggers in all of Blog-Land, Shawn at SERIOUSLY!, is guest hosting Friday Freebies for Heidi.

Now, in addition to being milk-come-out-your-nose funny, and gorgeous, with perfect teeth, an innate ability to safely sink her patio furniture into her pool during hurricanes, beautiful daughters and an Adonis of a husband... the girl is an artist. She creates beautiful cards and invitations and really cool, personalized, painted pieces. The Friday Freebie this week is a set of 4 seasonal frames that Shawn has hand-painted.

(They're all darling, but the Christmas one is my very favorite!)

How cute is this!?

I really want them, but because I am a big blabbermouth, I feel compelled to spread the word and suggest you check out both Heidi's and Shawn's blogs. Not just for the contest (although that's a perk) but because humor and smart-assery are must haves. (And they have 'em.)

The sky is falling!!! (Well, it could be...) Part 2

The sky is falling!!! (Well it could be...) Part 1

So here in Southern California we are jittery. There are tiny earthquakes all the time, but you usually can't feel them. The shakers where things fall off shelves and fly out of your cupboards are kind of rare, comparatively, but we had one Sunday night and a smaller one Tuesday afternoon. The part that freaks me out now? The speculation that these are fore-shocks to a bigger quake...

New Yorkers must be unnerved by the home-grown terrorist plot that was foiled yesterday. Four people arrested after they planted what they thought were real bombs around synagogues and bought what they thought were hand held missile launchers to blow planes out of the sky.

These incidents, along with wacky weather, serve as reminders that it is not unrealistic to plan to hunker down in your home and wait out the disaster/emergency.

So on with the Emergency Preparedness posts!

Stay at Home Disaster Part 2:

Like most people, I've checked out the Red Cross sites about preparedness, but these are additional things that I think about and how they're important for my family.

In the previous post, in addition to emphasizing the importance of coffee and wine, I stated my opinion that it's important to have things to keep your kids occupied and calm. (And to keep yourself calm as well, hence the wine.)

We've all heard how you should keep non-perishable foods on hand, first aid kits, etc. Maybe you have a little stock-pile... maybe you think you're totally prepared... but what is your emergency pantry stocked with? Is it stocked with items you would actually want to eat?

Picture this:
The sky is falling, the winds are howling, you hear gunshots in the distance (OK, that really only applies to Los Angelinos) but you get the idea...

Which food item would be more comforting?

Some high protein camping granola bar made from sticks, berries and sand...

or a regular breakfast bar?

You're struggling to keep it together and be a grown up.... your kids may be on the verge of freaking out... Is this really the best time to introduce them to Pemmican Bars or some other freeze dried backpacking crap? Really? No. For everyone's sake, give them familiar food.

Not only is this more comforting to your kids (and therefore, easier on you, mentally) it is easier to keep your emergency supplies fresh and replenished. Stockpile what you normally eat.

I have another pantry in my garage. We call it The Green Thing because, well, it's green. Get a cabinet or shelf in your garage or basement or closet, whatever. I have a family of 6. For every one item I have in the kitchen, ideally I try to have 3 more in my extra pantry. When I buy more at the grocery store, my aim is to put the new items "at the end of the line" and open a new box or jar from the "front of the line." Basically, using the oldest item first.

Some people write the date purchased on the item. That's a bit too much work for me. I just make sure I put things away in an organized manner. Sometimes the boys go to the garage and grab another box/jar/whatever when they run out in the house. I make it easy for them. Since they grab the first thing they see, I just make sure the next item I want to be used is in the front. Lord knows they wouldn't bother to look at a hand written date.

I can tell at a glance when we're "low" on something and I know when to really stockpile items that are on sale. My emergency pantry is almost always full.

I also keep canned and bottle juices on hand, we almost always have plenty of juice boxes, and almost every time I go to the store, I pick up a case of water bottles. There is one in the outside fridge at all times, 2 or 3 in the pantry and I always try to leave a case in the back of my car.

(What I need to get better at is making sure I have some of those plastic gallons of water stowed away somewhere. )

If you have pets, make sure to have extra food and water on hand for them, too.

I also make sure I have paper plates and plastic cutlery. If you have a limited water supply for whatever reason, the situation will definitely not be improved by a stack of dirty dishes. Basically, treat it like you're going camping, or at least on a really long picnic. Have a BBQ and charcoal handy, year round. We have a gas grill, but I still keep a bag of charcoal on hand. (Of course you guys aren't morons, so I know I don't need to tell you that you should NEVER use a BBQ in an enclosed area or indoors. I know you all know you could die of carbon monoxide poisoning, so I know I don't even have to mention that...)

This brings me to medicine and First Aid. I keep our camping first aid supplies (the Tote) in the house, on a closet shelf, where everyone knows where it is. Of course we have medicines and first aid supplies in the bathrooms, but I switch them out. Example: When we're low on Tylenol in the medicine cabinet, I replace it with a new, full bottle from the Tote. I add Tylenol to that week's shopping list and when purchased, the new bottle goes into the Tote. I also try to check the expiration dates on things while I'm at the store... the further out the date, the better.

The Tote is also kept full of bandages, Band-Aids, those little break & shake instant cold packs and Glo-sticks. (Yep, like your kids get for Halloween.) What if you're hurt and you're alone? Are you going to bandage your self with one hand while the other holds the flashlight? Treating the Tote like another cabinet in the kitchen makes it easier for me to keep it stocked and ready.

For prescription medicines that you take regularly, ask your doctor to write a double prescription. I try to keep them in the Tote too, and rotate them just like with Tylenol or Pepto Bismol or whatever. If you need glasses or contacts, try to keep an extra pair with the first aid stuff too.

One more thing regarding staying at home during an emergency:

If it's storm related, such as a hurricane or a blizzard, you have a little time to batten down your proverbial hatches. I've never been in a tornado, but I imagine you have an idea when the weather conditions are ideal for one. Earthquakes? Explosions? Riots? (L.A., helllooo - can't we all just get along?) or terrorists... Surprise! It's an Emergency!!!

Not the time to be panicking and looking for things like flashlights, batteries, etc...

I've used the shelving over my washer and dryer to organize some of these things. Everyone in my family knows where the ER bin is, as well as basic household tools. (They also know where the pet stuff is, the sewing box, extra grocery bags, etc...)
My "ER" bin has a small fire extinguisher, several flashlights, batteries, votive candles in cups, matches and a small first aid kit. I'm sure there is more I need to add, but off the top of my head I know I need: a whistle, a wrench and instructions on how to shut off our gas (earthquake country....)


In a panic, I also don't want to be hunting for phone numbers (or have my kids looking and not finding them because they're all on my cell phone.) I have a list taped inside a cupboard door. Everyone knows where it is

I have the numbers for all our doctors, all family members, schools, and close friends. I also have the phone numbers of the boys' friends (making sure I have the names of the friends' moms and dads listed too). In an emergency I don't want to have to freak out and try to track down numbers (and remember parents' names) while trying to find my kids....


I am trying not to post my peep's contact info on the www, but you get the idea.

It has been said that everyone should have an "out of the area" contact, in case circuits are busy. On September 11th my best friend was in New York City. She couldn't reach her mom in Los Angeles and her mom couldn't reach her. However, they were both able to reach me in Portland, Oregon.

Whether or not you consider a gun to be part of your emergency preparedness plan is a personal choice. I am a paranoid blithering idiot when it comes to hand guns. They terrify me and I have my head firmly stuck in the sand about not wanting to know about them. However, my husband is a proud member of the NRA, properly trained, and I know he knows what he is doing, so I pretend it'll never be necessary, but in the back of my mind I know he's got a plan and things are under control.

Make sure your family knows where things are in your home if there is an emergency. Our Emergency Preparedness plans have lots of room for improvement, but I am consciously working on it.

Next post: What if you're out and about or what if you have to evacuate...? Yipes.

AP News writer Lynn Elber...? Suck it. You're an idiot.

It's a few minutes before 8:00 on the West Coast. I have just enough time to check my email before kicking back with a glass of wine and watching 2 hours of American Idol. (I feel so strongly about the contestants that I actually picked up the phone and voted - lame, I know...)

So I pull up my email and have this headline screaming up at me from the screen. They reported who won before the show even got started on this coast!!! What a Jack-Hole F***tard this writer is. And Yahoo news. Hello? Forget about a spoiler alert at the beginning of the article... how 'bout not spoiling things in the freakin' headline!

(Spoiler alert... DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. I have a feeling they might end up changing the headline 'cuz they realized they were idiots. This is what it said.....)










Kris Allen takes the American Idol title.

Idiots.

Viv Company Memo - (urgent)

To:
"Mexican" MexicanFoodBliss@doublechin.com,
"Italian" PastaCarbs@mangia-bene.net,
"Pizza" SlapItRightOnMyFatAss@cellulite.org,
"Chocolate" BrownDevil@hersheyhell.gov,
"Cheese & Dairy Products" CholesteralTrumpsCalcium@MooPalace.com,
"Bread" BellyFatWithPBJ@CarbOverload.net
"Alcohol" GrapeGoddess@NapaHeaven.com

CC:
"Belly"B.Loated@viv.org,
"Ass" Y.Dload@viv.org,
"Thighs"B.Jigglin@viv.org,
"Boobs" D.Sending@viv.org,
"Arms" R.Flabby@viv.org

From: "Administration" Viv@viv.org

Subject: Restructuring and new vendor policy

It has come to Management's attention that departments have been operating independently of one another and not focusing on the overall health and well being of the company. As a result, we are not operating in a lean and efficient manner. Some departments have become so inefficient and unorganized it is difficult to even recognize them. While this complaint is mainly leveled at Belly, all other departments need to make immediate improvements or drastic cutbacks will need to be made.

As you may know, we have been attempting to sever company ties with Processed Foods. Due to contractual obligations, we will still find ourselves doing business with Processed Foods on occasion.

We have a long and happy history with our special food vendors and do not wish to issue pink slips to anyone. Rather than outsource for cheaper, lower fat, lower calorie and less tasty versions, it is now Viv Company policy to cut back by ordering smaller portions. Departments should note that when shipments from our special food vendors come in, they should expect their workloads to increase to keep up with the new shipments.

Any comments or questions should be sent to administration and those wishing to get more information are invited to attend {aefilkins} Extreme Makeover: Me Edition's lecture series on "Guilty Pleasure Favorite Foods & Healthy Substitutions"

Thank you. Lets all focus and work together to make this company healthy and successful!
Best of luck,
Vivienne W.
CEO

The sky is falling!!! (Well, it could be...) Part 1

Shit happens.
Weather is wacky...
There are freak occurrences in nature...
There are freaks within populations...

And as those crazy boy scouts tell us, we should be prepared. So why is this difficult for so many of us?

I think we have short attention spans. I think we get complacent. It's very hard to think about emergency preparedness on those evenings when things are quiet and there's nothing good on TV, or on those days when you're already crazed with things you need to do.

September 11th had everyone in a panic... paranoid and trying in vain to do something proactive so that we didn't feel completely shell-shocked and helpless.

Hurricanes? A worry if you're on the East coast or in one of the gulf states.

Tornados? I don't live in the mid-west. (Or a mobile home park, so I don't think a tornado will find me.)

I live in California. Our "seasons" are a bit different from the rest of the country... rain, fire, mud and earthquakes. The earthquakes have no season where we're on heightened alert. They just kind of hit whenever.

A decent shaker hit us on Sunday night. 4.7 on the Richter Scale. A good shake, rattle and roll... they scare you a little, but no real damage. It was the second one within a year and reminded me that I better check and re-check my plans. (I am off to get some Earthquake Putty so that the stuff above my bed doesn't kill me in my sleep....)

Before the little baby quake:

After:

This would've hurt!

The last major earthquake we had was the Northridge Quake in 1994. That one measured 6.7 and it killed 72 people, injured 9,000, toppled freeways and cost more than 20 billion dollars to repair.

Need to get to the hospital? Too bad.

Besides, you can't get to your car.


And if you do, where are you going to go?


Kelly at Housewife Savant spent the last week eating cold, canned spaghettio's and taking showers at a prison. Seriously. Go read about it.

Anyway, I consider myself pretty well prepared but there is always room for improvement.

The Red Cross Rule of thumb says you should be prepared be on your own with no assistance for at least 72 hours. (There are days when being left alone for 72 hours sounds like a vacation, doesn't it?) Click here to read about the recommended supplies and plans you should have in place.

The problem is I get scared... I get prepared.... then when nothing happens.... (ooh look! A shoe sale! ) It's hard to stay focused and thus, prepared. As a result, I've had to incorporate disaster planning into my everyday life. (Well, with 4 boys, it actually hasn't been all that difficult....)

Stay At Home Disaster (part 1):
I'm assuming you checked the above link and learned about the basic guidelines. This is about how my family stays ready and does it without much extra effort.

We like to go camping, so I am positive that we have everything we could possibly need to "camp" at home for a week. It is packed, labeled and easily accessible in our garage. (If our garage falls down, we may have a problem, but you can't plan for everything.)

Even if your idea of roughing it is to stay at a 3 star hotel instead of a 4 star one, invest in some basic camping equipment. The best time to buy is at the end of the summer, early fall, when the season is over and the gear goes on clearance.

Get a few tents. Get a camp stove. Get a couple of coolers (You can store things in them too.) If you lose power, keep your fridge and freezer doors closed as much possible. (duh, right?) Get a battery operated radio... as Ms. Savant found out, there will not be easy Internet access for your news updates.

I consider coffee to be an essential emergency supply. You probably won't be able to pop into Starbucks... I actually have a drip coffee maker that is designed to make coffee on a camp stove or regular burner. Pick up some pots, pans and cooking utensils at yard sales. Pack it into some tote bins, label it and know where it is.

This is very important: make sure you have a manual can opener in those supplies (and for the love of Pete, make sure you have a wine opener!)

Once the Emergency!! is over, then there is a whole lot of sit and wait for news, sit and wait for restored power, etc. Once you aren't in danger, the goal is to keep your family calm and to make everyone comfortable.

For me, that means coffee in the morning and a glass of wine (or three or four in an emergency). Have hand-held games with batteries. (I would totally do away with GameBoy time limits. Go ahead kids!) Have a deck of cards, have a few board games in those camping bins. Have chargers for your phones, your cameras, your portable DVD players, etc that will charge in the car.

Think about what you would need to do to pass the time and keep your kids entertained if they cannot leave your backyard or the house with no power. Coloring books? Art supplies? What? Plan ahead for that stuff and it will be easier on all of you. If you can get a portable generator, you might want to do that too.

I will also be posting about first aid, food, important papers, and what to keep in your car.

Literally, we just had an after shock (swear it!) so I'll finish up later.

Soap and Brownies.

Grant just came in from playing with his brothers. He was crying and upset. I comforted him, rocked him, soothed him.
He suddenly sat up:
"Hey Mom! can I have a Brownie?!"

Because I'm a sucker:
"Sure buddy, but go wash your hands."

"I will just use my tears to do it."

"Nope, you need to go to the bathroom sink and use soap."

"Well tears are wet. It would work."

"True. They are wet. But it's use soap or no Brownie."
I'm not a total push-over.

Answer the question!

On Mondays, Kasey, who authors All That Is Good, hosts Friend Makin' Mondays. It's a good opportunity to meet other bloggers who are participating in the fun.

Today's task: Copy and paste these questions to your blog and give them your own answers.

You wouldn't be caught dead where?
In a tattoo parlour. I'm sorry, because I know that right out of the gate I've probably offended a big segment of the population, but I just would never do it. Here's the thing: aside from my wedding ring, there is no single accessory that I can see myself wearing every. single. day. for the rest of my life. And that's what tattoos are.... a permanent accessory.

Do you have any hidden talents?
No. If I have a talent, I pretty much use it in public.

Name two things you consider yourself to be very good at.
1. - I am very good at holding my own in social situations. Meaning: If you take me to a party, a dinner, a luncheon, a meeting (whatever) and I don't know a soul but you, I do not need to be fused to your side through the whole event. I can turn awkward small talk into friendships quite readily.

2. - I think I'm very good at finding the humor in almost any situation. (Sometimes I don't find it until after the fact, but the bottom line is that I do eventually find it...)

Name two things you consider yourself to be very bad at.
1. - Math and sciences are my enemies. I have to take off my shirt to count to two. Science is just voo-doo to me, although I am so grateful to those who understand it and are curious enough to make advancements in it. I don't even have basic curiosity about it. Figure it out and then spoon-feed the findings to me...

2. - I am incredibly critical and have almost no patience. Combine those things with parenting and it is often a recipe for disaster. The other day Grant was getting too close to our old, cranky Dalmatian's face. I told him to back up because Barkley is cranky. Grant studied his face a few more moments and then asked, "How do you know? He doesn't have any eyebrows..." My eyebrows are the barometer for Mom's Mood. Eyebrows that are down low = cranky.

Have you ever won a trophy?
Yes. I have won trophies for sports (soccer, softball and cheerleading w/ my squad - if you consider cheerleading a sport) and for Speech and Debate events. I also won a lot of ribbons for swimming and horseback riding, although I think most of my swimming ribbons were probably Honorable Mentions...

Name one thing not many people know about you.
I am afraid of the grates and drains in sidewalks and parking lots. I am certain that if I step on one it will give way and I will fall into the sewer (or wherever they lead to.) I also worry about dropping my keys into one. (I worry about dropping my keys into the little space of shaft between the elevator floor and the floor of the building, too.)

Name your earliest memory.
I don't think this is my earliest, but it's still pretty vivid: I was probably 4 or 5. Not allowed to use the phone (duh) and was in my parents' bedroom watching TV. My parents had people over, which is probably why I was watching TV in their room. I was watching a World Vision telethon that was trying to raise money and awareness for impoverished children. I was so moved by this that I wanted to help too.

Even though I had no money, no knowledge of how donations worked, or any phone privileges, I picked up the receiver and began to dial the number on the screen. (Yes, dial. I'm old.) I didn't bother to make sure I had a dial tone first, and I probably mangled the dialing of the number. I thought I was ready and put the phone to my ear. I could hear a man saying, "Hello? Hello?!" I said, "Hi, my name is Vivienne and I want to help the orphans." The man on the line said, "Well, Vivienne, this is your FATHER! What are you doing on the phone!?" Ack! I hung up immediately. At that moment I was certain my dad was all knowing, all seeing, Omnipotent Daddy. Obviously my dad was already on the phone when I started dialing. I don't remember if I got in trouble, but it scared the crap out of me.

What was your favorite musical group in jr. high?
The Stray Cats or the B52s

What was something the worst roommate you ever had did?
I probably was the worst roommate, so I will invoke my 5th amendment rights on this question.

When you were a kid what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a photojournalist or a reporter. I guess if you count this blog and my limited subject matter, I'm livin' the dream! :)

What was your worst dating experience?
During High School I had a part time job at a small, family owned restaurant. The family that owned the restaurant were complete assholes. (No sugar coating it, sorry.) We peasant employees referred to the owner/general manager as "Scary Bear" with good reason. He would lurk in the shadows, watching you, waiting for you to screw up. If it's any indication of what a jerk he was, he often told customers who sent back something that the dish was "fine" and they would eat it and like it or get nothing. (Not at all unlike the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld.) He also came from a long line of jerks: his father had been shot and killed in another restaurant by a disgruntled diner. Me? After 3 years of employment, I was fired for not making prior arrangements to be sick. (This after an assistant manager/family member sent me home mid-shift because I was sick.) Ass.

Anyway, I digress big time. Sorry. The head cook was Scary Bear's cousin. He wanted to go out with me. I thought he was a toad. Lets just say there was a bit of pressure for me to accept his invitation. I tried to laugh it off and make jokes, but it didn't work and I finally ended up accepting a date because I lost a bet we had. (A failed attempt to get out of the situation without coming right out and being rude.)

We decided on a time and that he would pick me up at my house. (I think I was 17) The time came and went. I prayed I was being stood up. I told myself if he wasn't there after 20 minutes, no one could blame me for giving up on him and leaving. Unfortunately he showed. In a limo, with another couple, whom I did not know.

We drove to a local restaurant for dinner. As we were ordering, he informed me that from there we were going out to Hollywood. Well, that's a 45 minute drive and I had a midnight curfew. I knew that even if we finished dinner quickly, drove to Hollywood and turned around immediately to drive back, I wouldn't make my curfew. I was thrilled to announce I couldn't go. Guess what? Ass-Cook didn't care about my curfew and told me I was going anyway.
I said I would need to call my mom and ask for special permission to stay out past curfew.

I went to use the pay phone and they sent the other girl with me... I am assuming to make sure that I called. I was able to be super snotty to my mom to the point where she was saying, "Is everything OK?" "NO!" "Do you need me to come and get you?" "WHATEVER!" "Where are you?" "The Cask and Cleaver! Gosh Mom, I cannot beeeeelieve you are doing this to me!"

My sharp Mama came to the rescue and played the bad guy for me and allowed me to save face and get out of it. They left me sitting in the lobby while they drove off to Hollywood. Work sucked even more after that Disaster of a Date. (Incidentally, my boys know this story and know that should the need ever arise for them, they can "speak in code" and we will take the fall and come and get them....)

If you were about to die what would your last meal be?
Something full of calories, cholesterol and fat, I'm sure.

Who is the most important person in you life?
My husband. I love my kids, I love my parents, I love my friends.... but without my husband I am unable to give all that I have to these people. My husband brings out the best in me. He spotlights the worst in me so I can fix it, and he's patient while I try to do so. (Or if he's fed up and impatient, he hides it pretty well - God Bless Him!)

If your house was on fire what 3 things would you grab on your way out?
I am fairly organized. I have a box in my closet where my precious notes, cards, etc are stored. I also have an accordion file with original documents like birth certificates, passports, etc and insurance policies. I call it the Grab and Go emergency file. I am also slowly copying my photos and important computer stuff to disc and flash drives in order to have those in that file too.

We also have a "family plan" and meeting place. Everyone knows what to do, so with the exception of grabbing the cat and making sure someone has Grant, we're good. We actually had a decent sized earthquake last night, so I'm going to post on some ER planning in a bit.

But for now, go over to All That Is Good and make some new friends.